The Blue Butterfly

I just watched a lovely movie, poignant and worth the watch. I'm thinking about using it in a class someday...mulling over the lesson plan ideas. It's called The Blue Butterfly, with William Hurt, Pascale Bussieres and Marc Donato. Based on a true story, it's about a 10-year-old boy with a brain tumor, and his dying wish to see this blue butterfly in the rain forest. I give it the official thumbs up.

Poinsettias

Hey, does anyone know the deal with poinsettias? DH brought home some lovely ones before Christmas, and now one of them has about had it. I'd heard you could keep them in their dormant state, and they'd come back again...something about a brown paper bag??? I could Google it, I guesss, but...

Snow

Wow, yesterday's snow was a shocker. DH and I were in WalMart (yes, I know...supporting the huge conglomerate evil) buying a cool mist humidifier for Little-Sir-3-Year-Old, who's battling croup again...when DH says, "What is that? It can't be snow..."
Looking through their windows/doors, it looked like an intense fog had rolled in...on closer inspection it was a white-out of snow. We hadn't been in there very long, so it must have come and hit us quickly. DH was just about to leave for work, and I was nervous about him driving all the way to Southampton in that. But, just as we turned onto our street, it stopped and the sun was shining! If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't have believed it. It was like we were under a snow cloud one minute, and under a cloudless sky the next.
Will wonders never cease...

Getting Healthy

One of my student's mothers told me about stinging nettle (a natural sub. for Sudafed for sinus congestion), and exercises to stimulate my thalmus glad and drain my lymph nodes (can ya tell I'm sounding really nasally and in need of health-tips?) Tonight, DH bought some dried linden flowers & leaves, and made tea. I checked that out on the internet, and it's got lots of medicinal benefits, too.

I'm so tired of flu season. Please tell me exactly what I have to drink/eat/take to finally get all this crap out of my system, out of my house, and have my family and myself sickness free!!! All of our hands are like sandpaper from washing, washing, washing...I've disinfected and bleached every household surface...we've drunk gallons of healthful fluids, enought to float a barge...

Don't get me wrong, I love the particular beauties of winter, especially after a new snowfall, but...
Is it spring yet?

Hello Dear Blog-World...I Yet Live

No, I am not dead, as some may have assumed. Not yet, anyway.

First I couldn't get significant computer time, 'cause I gave DH a web-cam for Christmas so he could see/talk to his family in Europe (free!) It took soooo long to figure out how to do all that...then...

After thinking I'd already published my New Years Day post (which I saw tonight I didn't), I had a string of difficult events hit that required way too much of my attention.

And I'd just been thinking how smoothly the holidays had gone, thanking God, with a sigh of relief.

And then it hit. First, DD got in a car crash driving back to college...totalled out the car she just bought in Sept...her first. Then, came all the stuff to deal with because of it. I feel so bad for her, and wish I had this giant life-sized Rewind button, so I could replay that morning and do it over. Don't drive in heavy rain, wait a little, drive slower, don't take that route...anything, so to not do it that way again. Sigh.

Then came the string of sicknesses...viruses one after the other...the flu...being sick myself, then being Nancy Nurse to the family...if I have to clean up one more puke mess...

Missed too much work because of all this. And I thought life would get back to normal after New Years. Is this normal? I want a do over. Let's go back to Jan. 31st. It was so much more fun than this.

Happy 2007!

With New Year's Day here, and end of the holidays, I am breathing a sigh of relief. Yes, it is nice to have time with family and the visiting guests,a but I'm looking forward to putting away the tree and getting back to normal life. The holidays are not much of a relaxation, like they're supposed to be. As much as I've toned down what I do, there is still so much hustle bustle, and wanting everything to be "just so." I'm content with ordinary, most of the time...ordinary healthy meals, ordinary house decorations, ordinary schedules...may sound dull, but for me, this is comfort.
Now I am ready to go back to the routine. Hallelujah!

Almost Done with Finals!

I am finally done after a particularly loooonnng day. I handed in my last grad school project, took my last long exam...and have only one more oral exam to go tomorrow. I am sooooo done with all this!

I should be focusing on Christmas, but my shopping is almost done, and I don't feel like going all out to decorate...I have pointsettias and a few little things, and that's frankly enough...just the idea of UNdecorating afterwards requires too much energy at this point.

Now, all I want is a nice glass of wine, or some eggnog, a nice book to get lost in (that has NOTHING to do with my university studies!), and q..u..i..e..t...

sigh.

Well, at least I bought the eggnog on the way home.

I haven't blogged much lately, because I was having trouble with this blog. My posts kept not showing up. I see this past one (now over a week old) has finally arrived, so I've decided to try again.

I have discovered a new love. I do not subscribe to the cable conglomerate, and rather borrow videos and DVDs from the library for our down-time relaxation. About a month ago, my library had a new DVD: the British mystery/drama series Rosemary & Thyme. It is wonderful! Each of the DVDs holds 3 episodes...and after the first DVD, I was addicted. I love everything. The opening scene is a bouquet of flowers on time-lapse photography (which I always love!) This becomes a bouquet of rosemary and thyme. All this happens with a background of a beautiful version of "Scarborough Fair" played by John Williams on classical guitar. It is absolutely lovely.

The show is about two middle-aged ladies who are horticultural specialists. They rescue beautiful English gardens that've overgrown and such, and they inevitably stumble onto murders, which they solve, of course.
After the first DVD, I returned it to find (oh joy!) another one! After a few weeks of hard-core university research, I finally got a break and went back to the library to find they'd gotten 2 more! These are as delightful as the first 2.

So...if any of you enjoys Agatha Christie or any of the more recent British crime dramas (can't remember any names...sorry), then this will be right up your alley. I only wish my mom were here to share it with me. She'd have liked it too.

Happy rest-of-December, and may your holiday family happenings be blessed!

Well, it is December. I don't know why, but I get excited when I flip that calendar page from November to December...even when the weather's warmer than it should be. I dislike so much about the overcommercialism of the holidays, but there are still the basic reasons why I love this time of year, anyway.

When I was a little girl, my mother used to get an Advent calendar every year. (Does anyone remember those?) Every day, from Dec. 1st on, I'd open the little window for the day, and she would read to me what it said, and we'd get to see the hidden picture (a star, an angel, one of the animals in the stable.) One year, a German friend gave us one with little chocolates behind every window.

My mother was born on December 25th, and was named Carol in honor of the day. She was almost Noel, but her father was afraid it would be pronounced wrong. It's a funny thing about names. My mother was definitely a Carol, always singing...Noel just didn't suit her.

I think about my mom a lot, especially now. As Little-Sir-3-Year-Old loses his babyness and gets more like a rough and tumble boy, I wish she were here to share it all. She would absolutely adore him. There's so much about my life today that is completely different than when she was here with us. I wish she were here now...healthy and happy.

Yeah...more bittersweet times. Every wonderful thing I experience is saddened by not being able to share it the way I want with the people I want. Every awful thing is lessened a bit by the knowing that my mom didn't have to see it and be hurt by it.

And now it's December. Soon we'll have the first snow of winter, the holidays will rush by, the lull after Jan. 2 will come, and I'll seek opportunities to curl up with a good book on a cold evening.

Now, if only I had a fireplace...

To celebrate a successful beginning of the holiday season, I have decided to allow myself an urge to eat something off my diet...it's still healthy, just not in the normally-allotted caloric content for the a.m. for me. I've decided to have pie for breakfast. Maybe I won't eat the crust...I don't really like that part anyway. But pumpkin pie filling, or maybe apple, seems just about right for the Sunday-after-Thanksgiving Day- breakfast.

Mmmm.

DH and I got adventurous and tried something new this year: "Midnight Madness" at Tanger Outlet Center on Thanksgiving night. I never thought he'd be interested in shopping at midnight, after having worked all day, but he was game, so off we went..
yeah...us and thousands of other people.

DH had said, "They're gonna laugh at us...nobody's gonna be there!" But as we approached the end of River Road, we could see the cars backed all the way up to the Expressway, at 11:30 pm, just waiting to get in. Then, once inside, there were long lines at many of the stores, and at the mall office...and nowhere to park. By the time we finally gave up, and tried to come home, we couldn't get out! It was a little panic-making for a moment there. (Makes you wonder what would happen in case of a fire or something...could that place empty out quickly???)

But,it's good to try new things, and it was another bonding time for DH and I. We don't often get to do things just the 2 of us (well, just the 2 of us and all the other shoppers!) I guess that's the trick...do something together from 11:30 pm- 2 a.m. And then sleep in the next morning. Now if only I could manage our schedule that way...

Today is Thanksgiving, and as tradition demands, I am reflecting on what I am most thankful for.

First, I am thankful for my personal spiritual life, a non-religious form of Christianity. I know some people whose beliefs are close to mine, but not exactly the same. My faith in God has sustained me through some really horrible events in the past few years. Some call religion a crutch, I say my belief in God and my very real, very tangible sense of who I am and where I can go in time of need is the way I live every day. I don't think I could have gotten through the bad stuff without this constant meditation going on, this constant prayer under the surface, this sense of worship that I can fully enter into at any given moment.

Secondly, I am thankful for my DH. He is my soulmate, and came into my life at a time when I thought there wasn't one for me in the whole world. He drives me crazy, and teases too much, and has some flaws that I'm praying God will change, but with all that, He is "The One." He understands things about me that no one else ever even saw. He can read my mind, and verbalize my deepest emotions that I cannot put into words myself. He is home.

Thirdly, I am thankful for my three children. There's Number One Son, who would probably be a very close friend of mine if we weren't related, and we were age peers. He and I share so much, have so much in common, and even those things he really likes (like some of his music) that aren't my personal cup of tea, I can truly appreciate. Then there's DD, who would also probably be a very close friend, under the same circumstances. We have different things in common than her older brother and I, but nonetheless, we speak from the same heart, and I can appreciate the areas where her tastes and desires are not the same as my own. Finally, there's Little-Sir-3-Year-Old, who keeps me laughing with his antics and his little turns of a phrase. I am looking to forward to growing in friendship with him as well, as he gets older. I am very blessed with these three.

Fourthly, I am thankful for my father, the only one left of the older generations for me. The older I get, the more I appreciate him, and the more I am aware of the frailty of life, and what a precious, fleeting gift it is.

Fifthly, I am thankful that God has directed me toward a new career. It came as a surprise to me, when I thought I was going in a different direction. This one seems right, and as soon as I'm done with this particular degree, we'll see if the fit is as good as it seems.

I am thankful to be healthy, to live in a rural area with the beaches and the farms, and to have the opportunities I've had. I'm thankful for old friends and new friends, music to immerse myself in, good books and movies, travel opportunities,and so much more. I am thankful to God, and to all of those who have blessed my life just by touching it.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

It's been so long since I've written in this blog. I don't exactly have writer's block, it's just that I don't want to keep beating the same drum, writing about death, politics, and wanting to hold onto time, or at least not let it slip through my fingers so fast.

Well, for lack of a good positive launching-thought, I've been peeved lately by the increased commercialism of the Holidays (they started with the Holiday music on the radio this weekend, for Pete's sake! It's not even Thanksgiving yet!!!) The Christmas decorations and greeting cards went on sale with the back-to-school stuff this year...or we pushing it, or what? I think over-merchandising diminishes what is special about these days we hold dear, just becoming another money-mill to line the pockets of opportunists.

I don't have cable, so that I can control what comes into this house via that form of media (my DH has the European channels on the satellite dish so he can get his world soccer.) I hate the commercials the plague channels geared toward kids, so that they are programmed for gimme-gimme-gimme...things that are for the most part useless, and a waste of money. So many of these toys lose their fascination after 15 minutes.

So, while Little-Sir-3-Year-Old is still little, we'll get our weekly t.v. fix by borrowing videos and DVDs from the public library...without commercials! This way, I can expose him to programs that I think are of value, without worrying about the crap in between.

So...along those lines, has anyone else discovered "Little Bill"? Based on a character created by Bill Cosby, this little cartoon is wonderful. I love it. I love the message, I love the graphics, I love the way racism is handled (or not handled...) We've only begun to discover "Little Bill", and we look forward to getting more episodes on DVD. I've always loved Cosby, since I was a little girl and my parents used to play his albums. (Is anyone out there old enough to remember the "Noah" routine? Or the stories of Cosby's children as babies? Or the ones about his brother Russell? I remember laughing so hard, I cried...and they still effect me the same way.)

Anyway...don't mean to sound so negative all the time, but I'm trying to raise a non-materialistic, non-self-centered child in a world that seems to be fighting me tooth and nail. If anyone out there has any ideas of good books, video/DVDs, programs, etc. to foster mental/academic/social health, I'm all ears.

I just read Nancy's blog about the memorial service. I am thinking this fall is symbolic in my life, as my very dear adopted mother is really struggling with her battle against cancer, and my best friend's father-in-law just died. Today I had a voicemail from another friend, having to cancel a date because her mom suddenly went in for open-heart surgery.

I have this picture of my dear Carole (the mom) by my computer, and I feel like crying every time I see it. It's of the two of us, looking so happy, holding my little son together when he was a few weeks old. That picture is so full of LIFE! And now, the leaves are turning brown, and falling all over, and I keep seeing funeral processions heading to Calverton, and I can't stand it...I don't want to think of this for Carole, or my dad, or my husband's aging relatives...
and then, there are the unexpected deaths, like the boy in Wading River who just committed suicide (there's a lot of that going on in that school. What is it over there? Something in the water, like the nest of breast cancer in Shoreham???)

I know death is a part of life, and all the religious and non-religious sentiments connected to it. But for me, I just don't want to deal with this. I just want LIFE.

Election Day is looming ever nearer, and I'm scared. I've been trying to be an educated voter, read the right stuff, listen to NPR (which seems to cover CT politics), wade through the email I've gotten from different interest groups. There's one that piqued my interest...a mainly women's group, VotersForPeace...but one-issue groups often stand behind a candidate who's bad on other issues. There's so much going on now, locally and beyond. I wish I could just get a CLEAR picture of who are the good guys and who are the bad guys. Anyone missing a white hat?

I am reading a book I picked up in the library while just browsing, called Music Lessons: Guide Your Child to Play a Musical Instrument. As I am a music teacher, who teaches privately, I like to know what's being said about us. I also read these parents' books from time to time to pick up parenting tips. Anyway, I think this is a very good read for parents. I wish I had had it years ago to give copies of to all my students' parents.

I've often wondered why some students are very successful, some moderately so, and some, sadly, give up before they have a chance to shine. What is the formula? I've thought it was something like,
1. First, a desire within the child to create music.
2. The right teacher - warm, enthusiastic about music in general, flexible to different student learning styles, open to different methods and genres of music, skilled in the area of instruction.
3. Encouraging parents who provide, and insist upon, regular practice time in a quiet environment conducive to good concentration...mixed with a generous dollop of praise for sincere efforts.

Yet, sometimes, I've had students with seemingly all of the above, and they lose interest over time, even after fantastic success, and fizzle out. Others doggedly plod on through the years with little or no inspiration, and continue through high school graduation. Why do these lack the success that seems inevitable?

And my idea of success is not necessarily performance at Carnegie Hall. My idea of success is a lifelong love of learning, of developing skill, tastes, and perhaps venturing into new instruments and areas of musical expression.

In reading this book I am hoping to find a key that may have been missing for me. I want 100% of my students to be successful, and anything less feels like failure to me, personally.

And, on another personal note, Little-Sir-3-Year-Old has a hereditary love for music, and begs to play all the instruments he sees. About a month ago, I introduced him to his sister's old violin, thinking he'd play around for a few minutes, then lose interest and go back to his trucks and toy horses. Even tho' it's too big for him, he instinctively holds the bow correctly, and positions the violin quite well. He'll take 30 min. or so of mini lessons from me, and often will take the instrument out 4 or 5 times in one day. He's thrilled whenever I suggest it, and the promise of it will instantly snap him out of a cranky moment. I bought him a harmonica recently, too, so he can have his expression any time he likes, whether I'm home or not (he's not allowed to play the violin unless I or his sister are home to supervise. Respect for the instrument must be taught young.) Tonight, it was just the two of us home, so I put on Handel's Messiah full-blast, got out my flute, and the violin, and we had a joyous hour playing along. Of course he can't read notes yet, but the violin is tuned so that any string he plays won't sound off pitch with our selections.

I'm going to keep reading this book, and hopefully, with this little one, I'll get the formula just right.

Sometimes life has very odd coincidences.

The last time I tried to enter a blog, I wasn't feeling very well. I sort of had that feeling one gets when a virus is brewing...like a cloud is settling over, and
the aches that precede the other symptoms begin. I was typing out some very deeply-felt ideas about life, and what happens when a very dear friend is battling cancer.

And then the whole screen went blue, and a series of events ensued that were the result of multiple viruses attacking my computer. And then, I manifested the stomache virus that had been brewing.

Now, how does this happen? I know viruses are contagious, but this is a bit of a reach, even for me.

Now, after an interesting session yesterday with a very nice Dell tech. in India, the computer is happily functioning again, and I crawled out of bed this morning, feeling more like myself than I have in days.

Hmmm.

Well, here I am, procrastinating, again. I have an unusual evening off, and so I thought I'd be a good student and get a jump on tomorrow's homework (which is gonna take me hours to do, as it is.) But...

Little Sir 3-Year-Old needed to get out of the house, after being cooped up all day with a sick father on a rainy day, and I had to go to the library anyway, and I miss having time with him, so...why not do it together? Took a textbook and a notebook, the little boy, and off we went. Spent a lovely time getting started on homework, while watching him play with the puzzles, go through The Very Quiet Cricket a couple of times, explore the selection of Curious George books, and go through the entire puppet box. Delightfully unrushed for once, he had a wonderful time (except for the frustrating moments when he tried to be friendly with another little boy who was JUST NOT INTERESTED! He doesn't get it that not everybody wants to play with him.) I actually did get some work done, and he was very cooperative while I looked up books for an assignment. Together, we picked out some appropriate videos (newer generation ones I don't know so well, like Blue's Clues, and some oldies-but-goodies...I say, it's time to introduce him to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!)

Well, that accomplished, DH has him in the tub, and I'm at the computer, supposedly working hard at being a good student. Nothing's coming to me. Blank screen. I don't wanna do this. Not another dissertation...blah blah blah.

I keep remembering the way my day started out, at 8 a.m. With a mammogram. Ugh. I know it's the responsible thing to do, keeping tabs on my health and all, but really. Some women-hating sadist must've invented this particular torture device. I understand what it does, but when they take an x-ray of my teeth, the dentist doesn't feel the need to first run a high pressured rolling pin over my face, squeezing the absolute life out of me. Sonograms aren't excruciatingly painful. Imagine if they photographed scrotums that way!

And then the technician kept asking me if I was ok. "Well," I smiled, grimly. "This
is not the most comfortable experience I've ever had." I guess she could tell by my facial expression, as she bent me all over, like Gumby, trying to stick half of my chest in the squeezing device, without any of the other side of my chest getting in the way. How does Dolly Parton manage this???

And on that note, I'm getting back to work.

I had something nice just happen tonight, and I have to write about it.

I'm back in college, adding some more letters after my name, and trying to juggle everything well. I always feel like I'm not quite cutting it...my papers are not researched quite well enough, not proofread carefully enough, my presentations not interesting enough...and then, there's real life...the house not quite clean enough, not spending enough time with DH, my dad, and each of my 3 offspring...not exercising enough, not remembering to take my vitamins often enough, blah blah blah.
(can I add not sleeping enough???)

Well, tonight I had a presentation to do...the second of 3 students who were to present. The first young woman got up, with perky little handouts, looking like a perfectly groomed executive. The one after me introduced a guest at the conclusion of her speech, who blew everyone away.

And there was me, sandwiched in the middle. Dressed nice, but feeling dumpy...awkwardly stumbling over my words, as happens when I get nervous...forcing myself to make eye contact, and always looking at the WRONG person (someone yawning, or whispering to their neighbor, or looking like they were textmessaging.) I got through it, just like I always do. "Endure to the end!", that's my motto.

Well...after class, the professor asked me to stay for a minute. My heart started pounding. Oh no. What did I do wrong? Did I research the wrong topic? Say something off color?

She turned to me and said, "I just have to tell you, that was an excellent presentation. Your research was so thoroughly done, and everything you said was so interesting! I really enjoyed it."

Wow. Well, knock me over with a feather. I managed to smile, and politely say, "Thank you," before bolting from the room. Wow!

Just thought I'd write it all down, and savor the moment, before I tackle my next chore. Studying for tomorrow's Phonetics exam. Ugh.

I heard an interview on the Diane Reahm Show awhile back. I don't remember the name of the author or the book she'd just published, and I'd missed the beginning of the show, anyway. What did make a big impression on me, however, was her exhortation to a caller to "love your neck". She asked her if she'd looked at her neck lately, and the caller, said, ashamedly, "No." Apparently, the author had been awoken one day, quite rudely, with the reality of her aging, which was particularly apparent on her face and neck.


I've watched, unhappily, the increasing lies around my eyes, and the appearance of some new creases in my skin that hadn't been there before this summer. My neck looks okay, I guess ... so far... but I did notice a new crease, right by my mouth, today. When I smile, I have an extra smile line on the left side of my face, that's not matched on the right side...and when I stop smiling, it's still there.


Now, I've invested in Arbonne's all-natural age-fighting regime, and I'm pretty faithful about using it (in the morning, at least...at night, I'm just too tired to do too many steps.) I'm careful to use sunblock and not get too much sun exposure, and I drink a lot of water, and eat healthily. But the clock keeps ticking, doesn't it, and the pages on the calendar still keep needing to be flipped.


I've pondered, what is it, exactly, that I want? I'm not into the whole routine of many I've seen who get injections of serums meant to preserve, or renew, youth...and those into Botox and all it's relations. Age is inevitable, and I don't want to look fake with a 20-year-old face on a 60-year-old body one day. (I saw a lady like that once in Southampton that nearly scared me to death. Her face looked at least 40 years younger than her hands. It was creepy!)

But I do want to age gracefully, and be active and peppy and intelligent to the day I die, with lots of energy to do all the things I love. I've watched women who are 40 years older than I, and more, and found ones I particularly admire. There's one who's recently taken up the flute, another who still goes dancing every night, and another who's always busy in the garden cross-breeding and experimenting with different soil pHs, still trying to get the perfect tomato. There are two in their late 80's, one's a music teacher, and the other an ESL teacher, who still teach and have a passion for it. They seem to be perfectly comfortable with who they are, and the place they've come to.

Today I talked with a gentleman who's well into his 60's, who has a respected law firm with many younger partners, as well as older ones. The younger ones wanted to know at what age he was going to put in a policy of enforced retirement. He said "Never." His elder colleagues were still practicing law, using their experienced edge to run circles around the younger ones, and were very happy doing it. Why should they stop?

They say "50 is the new 40, 40 is the new 30," etc. I think we have a new view on age today, than perhaps we did 20 yrs. ago. While age is not respected as it once was, or is still in some societies, it is also not viewed as obsolescence. I remember an ad that said, "Don't lie about your age...defy it."

So what do I do? I'm back in college, with many other ladies older than myself, going through a career change. Some of my fellow students are over 55, and are planning a whole new career, having already completed one. That takes guts, and I have nothing but respect for them.

I'm gonna keep coloring my new grays, keep putting the age-defying potions on my face, keep beating my body into submission with exercise, keep forcing my brain to tackle new languages and new concepts...and I am not going to quietly retire, an old woman, at 55. Who has time for that? I'm too busy, at 43, to even think of it.